I have decided that working as a telemarketer, is a sin. That is all.

Today we were in the training classroom only for a short time. And the only time that we spent in there was learning about dress code (which is very loose because no client ever sees us) and codes of conduct (all the basics- don't swear at customers, don't swear at coworkers, and don't grab each other in inapropriate places... while you're on the sales floor.) The general word was that no one cares remotely here. e what you do on your free time, just don't bring it to work. I was told to feel absolutely free to smoke weed, grope whoever and whatever I want, as long as no one can claim it happened here.

Then we also discussed the payment system. Which is where all the tired eyes and sleepy trainees tired of hearing about the same old nonsense over and over again, perked up and paid attention. This... this is crazy. It starts with the absurd and just works its way up from there. We get a monthy bonus for showing up when we're scheduled. ... And everyone is like- are you sure? Sure enough, we can get huge bonuses just for being at work 90% of the time we're supposed to be there. And if we're there 95% of the time, the bonus goes up. If we're there 100% of the time, it gets crazy. These people are screwballed. Base pay is $8 per hour. After 150 hours in a month, add 5 per hour. If you sell like a dynamo, add $12 an hour. If you're working overtime- multiply that by one and a half. That's a possible $32.50 per HOUR. BEFORE the attendance bonus. If you sell well. And ladies and gentlemen- I sell well. I have that gift, I speak and people buy things like I'm using a jedi mind trick. It's crazy. Plus! They let you have as much overtime as you want. Need a little extra cash? Just walk into work whenever. No one cares if you show up and log in and log some more hours of selling. Just... do it.

So I will be making some money. The remainder of the day we went to the actual sales floor with a headset and jacked into the phones alongside another marketer (also known as 'agents') so we could listen to a marketer sell (or try to). The first guy I talked to, the first agent anyhow- told me that basically we try to trick the customer into buying by saying the word 'difference'. You have your phone service, and the sales call is to try to add something to that bill. And often it takes the bill up by about $5. So you talk, add the whole thing up for them, and tell them that it should be a difference of about $5 on your bill. Saying the word 'difference' makes the customer think subtraction. Which in turn makes them think that they're bill is going down. A lot of customers ask what the bill will be following the change just to make sure, which is when the seedy telemarketer tells them that they're originally paying $45 per month, and the new bill will be only $40 a month plus tax. Which is true. But look here. Tax on the phone line is about ten dollars. The $45 included that tax. The $40 following did not. SO add that tax back in there and their bill goes up to $50 a month. A difference of $5, but PLUS five dollars.

This did not sit well with me. I do not like to lie to people and I will not do it. They argued that you're never actually lying, you're not allowed to lie. Great. I do not like to decieve people. And I will not do it. And I told them that. I'll make sales without that crap. Eventually. 90% of the calls that you make actually end in "F@#& you!" CLICK. The end. And thats just after hello.

I'll make it happen. This is what I do. More updates undoubtedly coming for tomorrow. Stay tuned!

Today was the first day on the new job. I was late. And I hate being late. I don't what happened. The alarm went off, I woke up, turned off the alarm... something- I don't know. The next thing I know I wake up and its almost an hour past 8. Out of all the pet peeves a person can have- I have only one. It's being late to stuff I'm expected to attend. I hate being late.

So basically I ran.

I arrived while the class was on a smoke break. Thank God, saved the trouble of walking in on a room full of people. They got me signed in and settled. And in a terrific stroke of luck- I wasn't the last to arrive. Three more people came in the door almost right behind me. Apparently there was some confusion as to when the training actually began. Several people were told many different things so it ended up looking a lot better than it was. Whew!

I'm on lunch break right now. It's noon and everyone is out eating. I'm blogging. I took the opportunity to head right across the street in my junk car to an auto chop to ask about the possibility of breaking the horn out and smashing it into little pieces. Something I'd have done long ago if I had any idea where my horn is located. So basically I went into the shop to ask where my own car horn is. I have no problem admitting I'm ignorant if it gets me what I need. That whole- 'men not asking directions' thing? I do not have that. I will ask, drive in a circle, and ask again. The reason I wanted my horn removed is because every so often (more often than not) my car horn will honk itself. Mostly on left turns. The little guy gets excited and lets it loose. No reason, and I have to beat the living daylights out of it to get it to stop.

So far I've learned lots of interesting sutff about this new job. Mostly I'll be promoting Bellsouth services. Long distance, high speed internet, extra features. Junk like that. I never finished the story about the car did I? I pulled into the auto shop and it honked itself twice before I could park. I went in and asked what I had been fully prepared to ask. So now my car horn is disconnected and completely inoperable and I tell you it is almost CREEPY driving around without a random outburst from beneath my hood.

Went back into training, learned a lot of nonsense that I'm rather sure we'll never actually use. The gist of which was never to steal or misuse customer information and don't piss off the IT Tech guys. And it took three hours to say that. Then we tourned the floor. There are several sections, I think seven, three of these are completely devoted to Bellsouth. My campaign. I'm the branch that sells long distance. There is the customer service branch, the DSL branch...

I mean before we're in this little room doing the training thing and it looks just like the computer room in a high school. We all get out little chairs and we talk presentations and yeah, have a smoke break thrice an hour. Why? God knows... how many cigarrettes can you smoke? On one of the breaks, some of the new guys with some sales experience started talking strategy. One fellow had an interesting idea.

"My goal is to make them feel guilty for not buying."
"Yeah." Some guy chimes in. "You'll be like- 'Do you realize that my children will not eat if you don't buy this service?"
"Ma'am you have to buy this. Or millions will die!"
"Dude, you're going to raise suicide rates across the west coast."

This and many other sales strategies were voiced, one such fellow who had formerly been a car salesman piped in. "It's simple, all you have to do is just not even listen to a word they say and keep talking till they agree with you. That's what you do in the car industry. You just keep telling them they're going to buy it till they do."

Thank you. You're the reason everyone hates telemarketers and car salesmen. Please go die.

This job is the social center of the universe. When we got to the sales floor and there are computers everywhere, and phones and headsets and people people people... Imagine an environment comprised of 400 employees who's only job requirement is to communicate. Bingo... so I'm basically back in highschool and getting paid for it, about darn time. Everyone knows everyone else and everyone has dirt on everybody. It, is, madness. So I think I'm going to keep my mouth shut and just... listen. And sell, a lot, of stuff.

I get paid more if I sell a lot of stuff. ;) Plus if I don't want to get swarmed in a mass political/social blood fued, I'd probably better keep focused on my job. Eh, I'm a better listener anyway. In fact I think that will probably become one of the more enjoyable parts of this blog, me, passing to you, the things that I hear. For instance, today in the training room- There is a fat guy sitting next to this skinny girl and she leans forward and scratches her back. The large fellow next to her notices and says- "That's cool... You're like, I'll bet you can just scratch every part of your back wherever you want to."
"Uh... yeah, I guess so."
"Yeah-" He scratches the back of his neck. "I used to be able to do that. That's cool."

I go in again tomorrow early. I'll most definitely have more to report at that time. This is... wow. Going to be interesting.